"Prisons" Essay

Effective Writing?

“Prisons: Problems and Solutions.” An effective essay or not? When evaluating the essay on organization, conventions, and idea development I don’t believe it’s an effective essay.


The freshman’s essay was ineffective when it came to organization. In the introduction paragraph it states how the efficiency of the penal system needs to be increased and how there is a problem with overcrowding in the prisons. The second, fifth, sixth, and seventh paragraphs are about the problem with overcrowding in prisons. The third and forth paragraphs are about the efficiency of the penal system. When writing the essay the writer should have talked about how the efficiency of the penal system needs to be increased first, because that’s how they stated it in their introduction. The next paragraph should have talked about the overcrowding in the prisons, instead of mixing up the paragraphs, because it makes it hard for the reader to follow and understand the message of the essay.


The freshman’s essay was also ineffective on his/her conventions. If the essay were turned into a copy editor, they probably would have asked if a middle-schooler wrote it. The conventions in the essay were very poor, there was many punctuation, grammar and usage, capitalization, and paragraphing mistakes. Here are a couple of the mistakes: in the first paragraph it says the prisons in the U.S. don’t have enough room to house new prisoners and then says there is a problem with over crowding in prisons, here the writer is restating what they already said. In the sixth paragraph it says, “Some people feel that intermediate feel that the intermediate...” this is a repeat of words. The paragraphing in the essay was horrific. There are four paragraphs just about the overcrowding on prisons; these paragraphs could have been combined into a single paragraph. There are also two paragraphs about the penal systems, these paragraphs could have also been combined into one paragraph. The conclusion of the essay is poorly written. A conclusion is supposed to be a brief summary of what the essay was about and also have the thesis restated. The essay’s conclusion was one sentence and said, “if we all work together, we can solve the overcrowding problem America has today.” What overcrowding problem does America have and who is ‘we‘? Is America overcrowded? The conclusion is short and uninformative.

Finally, in the essay the freshman’s idea development is not as effective as it could be. The essay is not effective, because it has very little detail, doesn’t have a solid beginning, may have too much information, and doesn’t have a vivid impression. The essay doesn’t have a main thesis, a story line, elaboration, or images. The essay‘s idea development is effective in some ways, such as it has a pretty clear statement and is easy to see where the writer is headed, even though there are details needed to complete the picture. Even though the idea development does have an ok effectiveness, the overall is not effective.


In conclusion, the overall essay is not effective when being evaluating on organization, conventions, and idea development. There are many things the writer needs to improve on when writing their next essay, because they will not be able to test out of Freshman Composition with the “Prisons: Problems and Solutions” essay.

Broken ft. Amy Lee- Seether
Broken ft. Amy Lee- Seether

Comments

HHS - Samantha Henderson
Aug 29, 2011

Well, first of all I was writing my essay while watching a movie, so yea it was kind of hard, but as I got going it became a little easier. I definitely procrastinated and waited until Sunday afternoon to finally write it. For me, it's not that interesting; it's just kind of blah. It's kind of funny, because the freshman's essay had a horrific one sentenced conclusion and mine wasn't much better! I don't think I have a thesis, but my introduction isn't very good either. I did have a very hard time on my opening and closing; those I actually spent most my time trying to do. Overall it was not a very good essay in my opinion.